A Life of Worship - a Choir Director's Story

Sunday School meant very little. I joined church choir at nine and found it inspiring but I could not say why. (I guess most of our choristers would say something similar.) During my teens I found it all very thought-provoking although I found that frequent repetition of liturgy seemed a bit meaningless, but I continued in the choir for music. Gradually I came to the realization that frequent repetition enables you to think about questions from different angles as different concepts strike you each time. I was also fascinated by spiritual connections.

Not really. It veers up and down. I feel very committed to bringing it to others - because I find it all very enriching and think all should be brought to think like this, and that the unpressured way of Liberal Catholic churches is helpful to those on such a journey. Could not say exactly what I believe, except that Christ provides and modelled a way of living and being that makes me want to be a follower of Christ.

Were there any key turning points that had an impact on your faith?

Particular moments are purely musical; when singing next to my old choirmaster when I was a teenager, i was forcibly struck by the intensity of his singing. Everything was bigger and better than everybody else's singing, and I became determined to do likewise, and to find that intensity (in music principally) and bring it out in others.

The next moment was playing myself in a concert, again as a teenager, when I experienced a tremendous connection between myself, Beethoven and the audience. He was almost there on a cloud watching. Many years later, as an adult, when my father died I again experienced some very intense moments which had me connecting up to people I could not see. This has started me on some enquiries into my ancestors, and fed the sense of incredible connectedness between people in time and space.

I find such experiences frequently now I am aware of what I am looking for - often in quite simple things like listening to a child sing or play - an inner beauty and conception of beauty is evident and connects in all kinds of ways to others in a way not expressible in words or symbols. This interconnectedness may, I suppose, be what other people call spirit. I do not believe in a physical presence, so I cannot say as one of my pupils once did that she sees Jesus as a friend - but the presence is nevertheless sometimes so tangible as to be as important as physical.

My choirmaster, who was avowedly not religious, but who I think might reluctantly have to describe himself as a Christian on his death-bed (!) The Prof of Theology at Hull Uni whose name i cannot remember but he gave an amazing sermon starting with the cave paintings at Lascaux - you may be able to see connections with other things I've said.

It suggests a right way forward. I don't think - "Jesus will help me, he's there by my side". I think that he was an example, and that his ideas are there to guide. But there is a connectedness described above which makes my faith stronger than a mere bit of philosophy.

I don't feel qualified to say anything. I try to be rather than say. I would always say that spiritual issues must be thought about (they are down-graded in current western society), and thought about often. I think you have to think things out for yourself, but you need the opportunities to do so.

Psalm 16: "Thou hast made me to dwell in a fair-ground." (BCP) first struck me as funny, but I think beautifully encapsulates gratitude for being in a pleasant environment. And then the psalm goes on to say what I think are wonderful ideas (I want it sung at my funeral to the chant by Turle in F). I have sent the words to bereaved friends on several occasions.